I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
then he tried to convert me to islam
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
