how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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