we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
How external is "for external use only"?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
