last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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