Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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