i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's never too late to be topless.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
