Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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