Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
