i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
