my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
