He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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