My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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