After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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