Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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