Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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