is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
