Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
