dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Betty ford says i'm here all night
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
