Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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