I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just gargled with NyQuil
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
