nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
