Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
