I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
