Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
