i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
