ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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