This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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