I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
