i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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