Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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