I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
