Dual....:-)
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
