I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize