I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
