We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
