my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
