Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
