Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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