I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
