My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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