I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
