i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
