im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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