I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
