I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
