if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
