i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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