So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
