I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
