Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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