im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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