So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Are we still banned from the library?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
