remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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