I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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