Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
