I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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