morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I have already put on my inside pants.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
