ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
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