if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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