i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize