you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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