just tell him i said nine months
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
